Spook Stories and Poetry

I gave a talk a couple of weeks ago for one of our local  writer's organizations. I had precise notes, samples of my writing, and samples of other people's work. It was all nice and organized and should have been easy to present. As usual, I got out of sync with my notes, read a few of my poems (not the best ones), read a short short story (more about that later), and completely forgot to read the works of others that I like. Try as I might, if one thing throws me off the least little bit, I cannot find my way back. 

I was initially put into a bit of a panic because I forgot my reading glasses and had to go to the car and get my bifocal sunglasses. This would have been okay but for the fact that a transformer had blown in the area and plunged the venue where I was speaking into utter darkness save for an emergency light near the door. A standing podium was found so that I could read under the light. Fortunately, the lights came back on just as I was getting ready to read at the podium. I moved back to the lectern  at the table where I could spread out and began reading my short story, a fictionalized piece about the ghost we had at our house in Fountain City. The actual word, "ghost," comes a few paragraphs into the story. Just as the word left my mouth, the lights went out again. We had a good laugh, and I moved back to the podium near the door. The story ends with the words, "And then the lights went out." That's when the lights came back on. More laughter. The lights finally stayed on, and I muddled through the rest of the presentation. The folks were gracious and warm, but I felt totally bumfuzzled and off my stride. I wanted to end with a wonderful poem in honor of John Updike, who died recently, but I forgot. 

All this angst is really about the fact that I am terrified when speaking in front of my peers. I was a college English professor for many years and had no trouble at all teaching in front of a bunch of students. Even the first day of class was no biggie. I even managed to impress them by memorizing their names the first day. It's an easy trick really. My secret. At any rate, all my confidence and organization goes out the window in front of an audience of other writers and readers. I seem to go to "anutha zone" as Dr. John says. I think the problem is that I forget to actually follow my notes. I look up and see those expectant faces and just start to get flustered. I think the trick will be to do more speaking. Of course, I have to do more writing first. 

Sigh.